Helloooooo!

This morning Jessica Watson, the 16 year young Queensland girl, sailed out of Sydney Harbour to attempt to become the youngest to sail solo around the world, nonstop and unassisted.

Many have said that she is too young and should be stopped. I wouldn’t have attempted such a sail, and I am a sailor but I think that anyone at any age is too young for such a dangerous adventure. However I like to follow these adventurers over the internet from the comfort of home.


SMILE
Grass Eater
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over a metre tall!"

Barry

News item about Jessica Watson .....
adventurer James Castrission, who made history by kayaking across the Tasman Sea, was giving last-minute advice to the teenager

For most of the time Jessica will have fair sailing with no trouble, also at times she will be becalmed. However it is the rough and tough times with gales and mountainous seas when she will need to protect herself from being battered or washed overboard and she will need the strength to change or reef sails and repair breakages.

She has a Fleming auto steering device, the same Australian product was used by Jesse Martin when he sailed his yacht ‘Lionheart’ around the world single handed in 1999.

http://www.jessicawatson.com.au/sydney-farewells-jessica-in-fine-style

SMILE

Dead ahead, through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light on a collision course with his ship.
He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
"Change yours ten degrees west," comes the reply.
The captain responds, "I'm a United States Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman second class," the next message reads. "Change your course, sir."
The captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
"I'm a lighthouse, I won't move. Your call."

Barry

A BELATEDED MORNING FORUMITES ,
never had a sleep in ,just started doing a littel job first thing at 5am , then before you know it , its9 am .
great day also no cloud in sight the birds are singing ,Nan is telling mt what jobs I have to do
I am thinkinghow to get out of that .....great day

smile

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is

bern

MORNING FORUMITES
Cut it short , have to head to Forster ,let bthe Eye Dr see his handywork

smile

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

x
x
x
xx
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

bern

MORNING FORUMITES and 2 guest
No more visits to eye Dr , he is quite happy with the results., ME I am over the moon,
can see Nans every move now
Seen a double story house at the south end of the bridge at forster burnt out yesterdaythe one alongside the mini golf,
looks a real mess

smile

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. "It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

bern

MORNING FORUMITES AND 1 GUEST
Yer Barby the eyes have it the only thing that has not improved , is that face I see in the mirrow when shaving

smile


Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BOSS and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



Your Ex-wife

***********************

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out.
your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with MY BOSS, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my boss had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But
when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my boss was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

bern

Jessica is doing well and sounds quite chirpy ...

Here's some deep and meaningful stuff
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.

It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years,will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."


This is from me ...Life really is a gift... enjoy it and cherish it .....Barby

MORNING FORUMITES and 2 guest
Well the biggest hurdle for today is WHO is going to win the COX PLATE today??,I think I will followmy- Heart -
and have a few bob on it
Barby have you met the sprit of Father Hoysted who has his horse stables in around where you and Carl live . if you do tell him that little kid Bern wants his tip for the Melbourne Cup

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic
lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my
husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my
family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

bern

MORNING FORUMITES
The paddock is chock a block full of fog this morning, all the walkers will need to have a knife this morn to cut there way thru it,
Glad to hear young Jess, is still in calm waters out there,
yes Barby it is a wonder that she has not got that smae tracking , that the rats had,I only hope she can stick in this weather for a long time yet,
I have a good repeat smile this morn, just like Mr Bart Cummings the best

smile

young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with
Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say
three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional.

"Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I
have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green? "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver
his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters
the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her
as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of
the priest!

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching
green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The
priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies,
"No, I think it's just the reflection from her shoes!

bern

There is a bit of wet weather here at the moment with more promised.

While we don’t need wind or hail, the rain is welcome. Sydney’s water storage dams are nearly half empty or are they just over half full?

Sydney has 57% while Melbourne has 37%

Here are some smiles about the weather.

1. Two Viking invaders are trudging up the beach in the pouring rain. One looks skywards and says, "So this is England. What's it like?" The other snarls, "Well, if you like the weather, you'll love the food."

2. There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said, "It looks like a storm is coming." "No it isn't," said his wife. "Besides, how would you know?" "Because," he responded, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

3. A weather forecaster took a job in another part of the country. When asked why he transferred he replied, "The weather didn't agree with me."

Barry

Hello everyone,
I feel like I've been away for ages but I'm back.
Even when I went to log in it said Welcome Guest :)

Pam

Good to see you there Pam .. how's things???

Bernie - we need the rain, so blow clouds down this way please.

Keep smiling

Barby

Another one .....

http://www.theage.com.au/national/watson-says-sea-squall-a-novelty-20091027-hhjg.html

MORNING FORUMITES
It stop raining yesterday arvo long enough to get to the rain gauge=270 mm=10 1/2 inches or =27cm.
thats a lot of water.looking out the tent flap there is more again today,we got that over 3 1/2 days

smile

A string walks into a bar.

He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we don't serve strings". So the string leaves.

The next day, the same string walks back into the bar. He asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Sorry we do not serve strings, please go away."

The following day the string stands outside the bar debating about whether to go in or not. He ties himself in a knot and frays the bottom of the string.

He goes in and asks for a shot of tequilla. The bartender replys "Hey aren't you that string that's been coming in here all the time."

They string replys "No I'm a freyed knot".

sorry Barry

bern

MORNING FORUMITES
24 HRS AND NO RAIN , they say ,more on the way,today
Carl will have to put a bottom in his holes ,before I blow any of our water down to him,other it will go stright through

smile

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Now that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 16-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.

bern

Barby

I see that you may get rain today in Melbourne. Soften up the track for Tuesdays horse race.

Another bar smile.

A man goes into a pub with a crocodile and asks the barman, “Do you serve politicians here?”
“Yes.” Said the barman. “Good. I’ll have beer for me and a politician for my crocodile.”

Barry

WOO BACK , bern what about the smile for today

smile

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, ' I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, ' I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast

bern

Bart has three runners in the cup and has trained cup winners a dozen times before but there are no guarantees when it comes to horses.

All I know about hay burners is that you feed them at one end and what you get from the other end is good for the garden.

Here are some smiles about horses.

Q: Why can't horses dance?
A: Because they have 2 left feet.

Q: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
A: Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

Q: How long should a horse's legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground.

Q: What animal has more "hands" than feet?
A: Why, a horse, of course!

Q: What do you call pony with a sore throat?
A: A little hoarse.

Q: Why did the horse take a bale of hay to bed?
A: To feed his nightmares!!!

Q: What are the only animals that sleep with their shoes on?
A: A horse, of course!

Barry

Hello Old Friends /Forumites
Its been a long time. I have neglected this forum way to long. I noticed I have missed 286 posts, I fear I wont read them, but scanning very quickly it was great to see old names.

Mum and I are going well. A few changes in her life, for the better would you believe. Me I have started a craft business, so that's been taking up my time.
Mr. Chip is going well, but I'm afraid to say he has lost all interest in going to football matches, however he will watch the odd one.

I bumped into Ol Oiler's wife the other day. She is well and has been to Denmark to his family.

I see the boys are doing talks around Australia, I certainly hope to go to the one in Melbourne.

Yes I have been following Jessica Watson journey, but have not many comments on her blog. There are so many, which is wonderful to see.

Take care, hope to pop in again.

Beky

Beky

Good to see you back.

Pam

I didn't think you were old enought to join the blue rinse set.

Barry

MORNING FORUMITES
G/day Beck , say Hi to MUM
I went over to the race couse , with my brother , for the races yesterday , but only lasted there for 4 races , there was a big, big croud , and hot, hot hot ,to me it felt like a 100% heat , then we left the races an went to a Club , where you could hear the race caller sit down in a lounge chair , feel the cool air , go to the bar and get your drink, instead of waiting 1/2 an hour to get served at the races...thats the way to go... also come out of the day a few bob in front.
Nan and me might go to town today and try what the old couple in the smile got up to.

smile

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Na*i turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a ####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

bern

MORNING FORUMITES ,
DONT BE LONG BARRY,
The place might cool down now , we have rain here this morning, the way it s going [the weather] me thinks we are in for one HOT summer
will give you a wave from my bridge ,this morning

smile

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migrane headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migranes and STILL no improvement. “Listen,” says the doc. “I have migranes, too…and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience. When I have a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand…especially around the forehead.This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex…and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I’ve had migranes for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!”
“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”
“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a really nice house.

bern

Thanks Justin for keeping us informed .. it's lovely to hear from you on the forum
We'll come along to see you and James

Barby

A small smile for the weekend:

Hubby asked his wife what she wanted for her birthday
"Oh, just give me something with diamonds," she replied.
So he bought her a pack of playing cards.


barby