MORNING FORUMITES and 2 guest
I am 50% out of this bloody cold-- but in the body I feel 20 % ,falling apart
been in front of the idiot box of late, can any one clear the air for me???
A moman is in the Dr surgery she lets out a cough looks at the other people , the nurse is on the phone telling some one to go to hospital , she coughs again ,.....then there is a look at the floor and a tune comes on singing AMBER s got the answer????????? at what ?? what has it afloor to do with a cough??

smile

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might - 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.



The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read........................................................

You'll like this





NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!


bern

Pam, I still buy Akta Vite and love it .... it's great on ice cream, in hot milk, just by the spoonful ...yum.



Here's a smile you might have heard:

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.


Barby

Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,
but about who came and never left your side.


Barby

Here is another true car story.

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a couple of km away.

About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving all over the road, ask him to get out of the car and take the breathalyzer test. Just as he is about to blow, the police radio informs the policemen of a robbery taking place in a house a short distance away.
The police tell the partygoer to remain where he is, they will be right back; and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has 'flu and has been in bed all day.

A short while later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with 'flu and has been there all day. However, the police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car with lights still flashing.

Barry

MORNING FORUMITES and 1 guest
BBRRRR, we have the ORANGE crew coming today, they will recon is the start of summer up here,
last Monday it was 11% belowup there ,
the air con froze over ,the water pipes froze that much they busted, no hot water for 2 days,no water either.
BUT they will bring their swimmers for a swim down the beach

smile








A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her non existent sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat.

bern









.

MORNING FORUMITES
Pam in answer to your swim question ,....yesterday at9am ,and dam cold the son in law went off to have a swim , come back about 1 1/2hrs later and said the water was great ???
of a night time NAN and me put the heaters on ,and there saying its not cold in the tent??

smile
>>A man returns home a day early from a long weekend of golf.
>>
>>It's after midnight.
>>
>>While on route home he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.
>>
>>The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in
>>the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees..
>>
>>Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.
>>
>>The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and here is his
>>wife in bed with another man!
>>
>>The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
>>
>>The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
>>
>>HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
>>
>>HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
>>
>>HE paid for your season rugby tickets.
>>
>>HE paid for our house at the lake.
>>
>>HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly
>>rent!'
>>
>>Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
>>
>>He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
>>
>>The cabbie replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a
>>cold."

bern

MORNING FORUMITES, and 1 Guest
the Orange People have gone home , only 3 morning swims, butbut but, da water wa was nnniccce
the fog this morning is so thick you want a knife to cut it to see where you going,
hope alls well in C T D land

SMILE

BELIEVE it or not ,

These are REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

BERN

MORNING FORUMITES and one guest
Not much doing at the tent, i's"nt it nice and quite when they go home???
But I miss them , the boys wanting to cut the lawn , wash the car , what next Pop---""Nan eny thing I can do, ""

smile

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mum says: "YOU should say NO. They only want to look at your Knickers".
Susie says: "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

bern

Hello ALL, I am here!

SHEEP JOKES

1. Where do sheep go shopping?
Ans: Woolworths.

2. Why can't you trust a sheep?
Ans: Because they're always spinning yarns.

3. What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
Ans: A woolly jumper.

4. What do you call the first sheep on Mars?
Ans: A Mars Baa!

5. What was the sheep doing on the way to the farm?
Ans: A ewe turn.

6. Why did the ram jump off the cliff?
Ans: Because he heard someone singing "There'll never be another ewe."

7. How do you call out to a girl sheep?
Ans: Hey ewe!

8. Where does a sheep like to drink?
Ans: In a pub baa.

9. Where can you eat lamb chops?
Ans: At a baa-beque.

Barry

Good one Baaaarby - sorry couldn't help myself after reading Barry's sheep jokes


Pam

MORNING FORUMITES
not much going on at the tent cold morns and nights BUT nice days, every one gone home ,
a very quite tent now

smile



Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:


Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college with my Gold Mercedes, when
all my Teachers travel by train.
Your Son
Nasser

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:


Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

bern

This should make you feel better after you read about the amazing computer skills that other poor unfortunates have!



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...


Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Mark, I can't print. Every time I try, the computer says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find ...


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Big W.


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer : Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...



Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, then the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars (*****)!


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'


Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the Control and Escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P'
to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

morning forumites and 2guesrt
barby you have been talking to my computer tech, haven you??

smile

Nothing going right?

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy bursts into tears.


"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."


"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

" I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don't have any insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the milk man and then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all ... I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it and while I sit here watching the poison dissolve; a smart ass like you shows up and drinks the whole bloody lot.

bern

MORNING FORUMITES and 2 guest
the old tent is a bit cool around the ears this morn
How is that plastic boat that pulled into port from the USA over the weekend,
If i had of started building a boat when I started on the grog , boy oh boy I would of had my own navy moored on the Manning River by now

smile

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied..
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

bern

I must have an educated mind because I enjoyed the creative puns :)

Pam

It is very quiet on the website.

Glad you are flying the Forum flag at the Boat show Barry :)

Pam

Hi forumites.

Been busy like everyone else these days.

I hope you all are ok.

smile

Old Gals...........

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking..

Maude:
What in the heck is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
---------------------------------------------------------

Kev.........

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the Sydney Harbour Bridge and going nowhere. Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks,
‘What happened, what’s the hold up?’

“Terrorists have kidnapped Kevin Rudd, Julia Gillard, Penny Wong and John Faulkner.

They are asking for a $100 million ransom, otherwise, they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”

The driver asks, “On average, how much is everyone giving?”

“Oh, so far about five litres ......”
----------------------------------------------------------

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..

Aunty Sal

MORNING FORUMITES and 3 guest.
Thetent stood up to akright Pam , had to put a few more ropes over the top of it , and left the front and back gate open so the wind could go strait thru , without building much up pressure,Nan had trouble keeping the fire going outside cooking tea, withthe wind and buckets of rain,other wise I kept dry

smile

A man is watching a game of golf on TV. But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them ", his wife says. "You already know how to play golf!"

bren

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !


Penguins are very ritualistic birds which live an extremely ordered and complex life. They are very committed to family and will mate for life and maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout their lives,

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:





"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

Bern, I will have to keep in mind the pharmacist in case I ever decide to remarry.
Hang on I'm still married and 'once bitten twice shy'

HOT & COLD SEX

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. ' After I have sex I am usually cold
and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to
be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern.. He
claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know
why?'

'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is
usually in winter and the second time is in summer.'


Pam :)

I'm back,

Here is a quiz for people who know everything.

I found out in a hurry that I don't know everything.

These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers to exercise the brain.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, excluding herbs, only three can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only three perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Name two English words that begin with the letters 'dw'.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, dried or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'


Joke

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"







Answers To Quiz:

1. Some sports in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends: Boxing.

If the election was a sport it would fit. Two weeks to go and very close.

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward: Niagara Falls. (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only three common vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons: Asparagus, sweet potato and rhubarb.

4. Fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry. Cashew.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

6. English words beginning with 'dw': Dwarf, dwell, dwelling, dweller, dweeb, Dwayne and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar: Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S:' Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, stirrups, spurs, skis, skates, snowshoes, sandshoes, stockings, stilts, Sun Tan lotion (I have been burned before). Don’t forget smell.


Barry

LATE MORNING FORUMITES and 1 guest
I am still here , never felt the cold so much as this winter
Barry Igot3 of your quiz Nos=5--6==8

smile

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C
to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then
we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

--- his father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

bern

Here's a wonderful message about getting old ....













Bugger ...



I've forgotten what it was....

Hello ALL!

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but certainly not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Ultimate True Test:

Lock your wife and your dog in your car boot for an hour. Then open the boot and see who's the happiest to see you.

Barry

MORNING FORUMITES AND 1 GUEST
back again I have been very slack with the forum of late ,but I have had quite afew things on my mind, like being thank full waking up each morn , have another month to go.
but at least I can still smile

smile



A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver said, 'Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me. 'The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.


The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."


bern