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Crossing the Ditch: Friends of Crossing the Ditch

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- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeMay 11th 2010
Smile time to explain what old is :)

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD'IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND
'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes?

Pam
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeMay 11th 2010
Hi all

It's good to catch up on the smiles . I/we are still renovating and I can only use my daughter's computer at the moment

It's also great to see young Jessica almost home, and her messages are an excellent insight into her personality. As much as I could I have followed her voyage and from the first week or so, it didn't take me long to work out she is quite a mature young girl. Her way of dealing with challenges in rough seas etc has been quite remarkable. So, I am very pleased she is almost back home and I presume the welcome would be fantastic.

I remember as a young girl seeing The Queen coming through the heads in the Royal Ship Britannica (maybe that should be worded in reverse order), and I assume the crowd for Jessica will be as big. Barry, the best place I can think of going, if I was in Sydney to view, would the the large rock on the top of South Head, almost overlooking Lady Martin's Beach ... it's worth a try, but you might have to park and walk a bit of a distance. I used to go there to see the start of the Sydney-Hobart Yacht race each year too. The view is quite spectacular with nothing in the way.

I don't know when I'll be able to send another message but keep at the smiles, so I can catch up again soon.

Thanks Bern for the emails too
Barby
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeMay 12th 2010
MORNING FORUMITES
Winter has hit .boy its cold this morning ,and young Jess has a good tail wind pushing her home , she might have to sleep the night out off the heads

smile

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know, that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought, then added,

"You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

bern
- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeMay 13th 2010 edited
The welcome for Jessica is going to be ENORMOUS with TV coverage, interviews etc.
I saw that Jessica is going to be on 60 minutes this Sunday - hope she has recovered sufficiently after her ordeal!

smile

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type stuff, spilled milk, and pennies saved.

Finally only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Linda. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens', said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Linda when she's drinking'.

Pam
- CommentAuthorDemmi
- CommentTimeMay 14th 2010
......looks around....
Oh wow were are all here, virtually sort of :)
How have you all been .
I feel bad about not posting much, but ( I have been following Jessica Watson for the last year) I was a bit depressed when the old forum was shut down.
I thought everyone had left, glad I am proved wrong.
Then I was told a new thread opened up so here I am.
I will check in once in a while to say to old Forumites and I hope everyone is doing ok.
I have a few new posts to read now......
LOL
cheers to all
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeMay 15th 2010 edited
I didn’t go to Sydney Harbour to greet Jessica Watson yesterday. I had a much better view sitting comfortably in my living room watching it on the big screen.

I started watching at about midday. Finally, Jessica made it through Sydney Heads at 1.55pm.

The three commercial free to air commercial channels, 7, 9 and 10 (One HD) gave an excellent coverage having cameras in helicopters, on boats and headlands plus at the Opera House. I was able to watch it commercial free by channel switching. A far better view than being there in one place.

Chanel 10 put cameras on Pink Lady for extra coverage.

Jesse Martin and Mike Perham, two round the world young solo sailors jumped on board Pink Lady at the heads to help Jessica furl the sails and motor through the heavy boat traffic to the Opera House. The Police and Maritime people had quite a job keeping clear water around Pink Lady.

The sea can be a harsh and dangerous place to be for people of all ages. Six people were drowned while rock fishing near Sydney this week. Jessica has shown that if you are in a tough boat and are well prepared you can withstand what the sea throws at you.

I remember that our James and Justin said that their adventure was 90% preparation and 10% paddleing.

While I admire people who do these adventures and have been a keen sailor, I have never wanted to go to sea. When the weather gets rough I like to pack up and go home to a dry bed.

See the blog from Jamie Dunross, the quadriplegic sailor, about his time in Sydney including time with Jessica Watson and family.
http://www.solo1.com.au/FAQ.php

Subject: WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent from the call centre.

Barry
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeMay 16th 2010
MORNING FORUMITES and 1 guest
Well young Jesshas made it , good luck to the girl,it was a mighty effort, and now the world is hers
I dips my lid to you JESS

smile

Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 for cars (£1.40), 5 for buses (about £7.00)..

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £7 million pounds ....... and no one even knows his name.

bern
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeMay 16th 2010
If ever there was a story too good to be true, the zoo car park story is one. Nothing more than an urban myth. A version of the story did appear in the Evening Post three years ago published to coincide with April Fools' Day and it has been circulating by email since then.

http://www.bristolzoo.org.uk/about/news/News1935

http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/humor/a/bristol_zoo_car_park_attendant.htm

Q. Why did the blind man give up skydiving?
A. It was scaring the hell out of his dog!

Barry
- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeMay 17th 2010 edited
I came looking for a smile on this cold, bleak day and decided to leave one for 'us mums'

25 REASONS I LOVE MY MOTHER_*

1.*_ My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE _*. 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.

2.*_ My mother taught me RELIGION_*. 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3.*_ My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL _*. 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4.*_ My mother taught me LOGIC_*. ' Because I said so, that's why.'

5._ *My mother taught me MORE LOGIC* _. 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6.*_ My mother taught me FORESIGHT_*. 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7.*_ My mother taught me IRONY _* 'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8.*_ My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS_*. 'Shut your mouth and eat your dinner'

9.*_ My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM _*. 'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?'

10.*_ My mother taught me about STAMINA_* 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'* *

11.*_ My mother taught me about WEATHER_* 'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12.*_ My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY_*. 'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13.*_ My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE _*. 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'* *

14.*_ My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION_*. ' Stop acting like your father!'* *

15.*_ My mother taught me about ENVY_*. 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'* *

16.*_ My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION_*. 'Just wait until we get home.'

17.*_ My mother taught me about RECEIVING _*. 'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18.*_ My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE_*. 'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'

19.*_ My mother taught me ESP_*. 'Put your sweater on; you must be cold because I am*'

20.*_ My mother taught me HUMOUR_*. 'When that lawn mower cuts your foot off, don't come running to me.'

21.*_ My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT _*. 'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. *_My mother taught me GENETICS._* 'You're just like your father.'* *

23.*_ My mother taught me about my ROOTS_*. ' Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?'* *

24.*_ My mother taught me WISDOM_*. 'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'* *

25.* And my favourite:_ My mother taught me about JUSTICE_ * 'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.*

Pam :)
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeMay 18th 2010
MORNING FORUMITES and 2 Guest
Rain has arrived at last so has the cold had to put a jumper on
the only thing smiling yesterday was the garden
I see young Jess has still got the wobbles

smile

Complaints from Council House Owners. These are genuine clips from council (UK)complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC 2.

A Spot of British Humor

As reported in the newpaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

(The Daily Telegraph)

_____

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

_____

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

_____

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

____

A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
____

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
_____

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."
_____

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

bern

_____

"
- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeMay 18th 2010
Bern,
Thank you for your smiles.

What happened to Autumn to slowly ease us into Winter??
Short sleeves one day three layers the next day.

Pam
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeMay 18th 2010 edited
Pam and Bern, there certainly has been a sudden drop in temp for us in Sydney and Taree.

A nice drop of rain.

The planet’s average temperature for April was the hottest for any April on record. Indeed, the world’s average temperature was the highest on record for the January-April period.

Read about it at:
http://blog.taragana.com/science/2010/05/17/federal-climate-experts-say-april-warmest-ever-january-april-period-also-had-record-warmth-13578/

On Monday I had a look at Jessicas yacht, Ella Pink Lady tied up at the Maritime Museum Darling Harbour. It looks tiny parked next to a huge submarine and enormous battle ship.

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Barry
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeMay 24th 2010 edited
MORNING FORUMITES
Anybody out there , want a head and chest cold //, there is one at a giveaway price at Taree
same as last year ,Get the flu shot then a week later get this head cold, the REd is not drowning it
hav"nt had time to get the computer to the doctor yet ,oae day it works next it won"

smile

Wife asks husband,Â
"How many women have you slept with?"Â

Husband proudly replies,Â
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."Â

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

bern
- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeMay 25th 2010
Hi!
Just checking in to leave a smile

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for some time. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he woul d l ike it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote and their vote equals ours and they also reproduce!

Bye Pam :)
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeMay 28th 2010
Yep .... I'm here for a little while
Our renovation is going along, but the finishing is taking a while - all things are coming together and hopefuly a few weeks now and it will all be finished. It has meant I am not able to check in as much as I would like.

I did watch Jessica on the tele coming into Sydney and wished I was there, remembering my young days sailing on the harbour with all its beauty. What a lovely reception she had - suh a wonderful welcome home (even for a Queenslander)
I am so impressed with her maturity and naturalness and hope she never loses those qualities.

It's raining down here now, and I think Tassie has been washed out on the East Coast. At least our roof is now completed and hopefully the builder has put it together well. It was a bit of a worry with a tarp flaping about for a few weeks.

I am going back and reading all the smiles and news - thanks guys!

Hope your cold is better Bern
Barby
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeMay 28th 2010
MORNING FORUMITES

FOR SALE
ONE OWNER.ONLY 3 WEEKS OLD . AND A BUEATY
WILL GIVE YOU 2 HOURS SLEEP, AND 6 HOURS COUGHTING
WILL KEEP YOU HOME THE LONGEST DISTANCE I HAVE BEEN FROM THE TENT IS THE MAIL BOX
BUT IT WONT STOP THE POSTIE FROM PUTTING THE BILLS IN IT
FOUND IT 2 DAYS AFTER MY FLU SHOT
FREE POSTAGE OFFERED

smile

WHY GOD MADE MUMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the sticky tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us...
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts..

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your Mum?
1. My Mum has always been my Mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mum need to know about Dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mum marry your Dad?
1. My Dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My Grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such an idiot.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between Mums & Dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home and Dads just go to work at work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Mums have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her talk, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. You know, her hair. I'd die it, maybe blue.

bern
- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeMay 29th 2010
Just popping in to make sure you haven't all been washed away.
I do like some rain BUT NOT day after day.
People in drought areas probably wish they had Sydney's coastal rain!!!!
I always think of the homeless in this weather :(

Pam
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeMay 30th 2010
MORNING FORUMITES @ 2 Guest
I Have had this cold ,the only thing I have not cought up is my shoes
and cannot go out in the air , makes it worse , I am stuck in the tent all day
the only good thing about it ,is I have had a bottle of DEWARS SCOTCHWHISKY, for 20 odd yrs
now it"s gone , but the cold is still here

smile

NO BODY CALLED ABOUT WANTING MY ADD
so here are some more

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

bern
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeMay 31st 2010 edited
Hello ALL

Bern, I hope that both you and your computer are recovering from your recent illnesses.

Plenty of rain down south. Some places on the NSW South Coast had a too much damaging wind.

More dog humour.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Barry
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeJun 1st 2010
Here's a good household tip:

Always keep several Get Well cards on the mantle . . . So if unexpected guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.

Barby
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeJun 2nd 2010
MORNING FORMUITES
how long does this bloody cold last ?? I have tried everything in the COLD BOOK plus everything in the celler , have a needle jab tomorrow , then Dr said I will have one every 3 months for the rest of my life , so it better work
like your house keeping hint Barby will hang a few up in the tent

smile

Subject: brilliant (If you are sending this to anyone in the ATO, make sure my name is removed first)

At the end of the tax year, the ATO (Australian Tax Office) office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a local hospital.. While the ATO agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the
hospital and said,
"I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to
be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every
now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his
obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question

.. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO..

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO.. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the ATO office,
and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

bern
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeJun 2nd 2010
Good one Bern
Who would want to work at the tax office anyway?

My Grandfather's remedy for cold (or a cold) .. he was a ship's engineer:
1 shot of run, warm it over a gas flame but don't let it catch fire, drink it in little sips only, wait for the ship to stop rolling, then you should be okay for the early morning watch.

Barby
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeJun 3rd 2010 edited
Hello ALL

Bern, we don’t mind sharing some rain with you today but I don’t wish any more storms for anyone like the Lennox head natural disaster.

I think that you have caught a virus from your computer.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia but not a common cold."

The doctor said I should give up wine, women and song.
”What, all at once?” I panicked.
The doctor reassured me that I could take it one at a time.
So I told him, I shall immediately give up singing.

My doctor asked me "Are you on the BBC Diet?"
I asked him, “What’s that?"
He said, "BBC. Buy bigger clothes."

Don't be too hard on the Tax Office. They have just payed me a nice refund.

Barry
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeJun 4th 2010
sorry all

in my cold remedy

'run' should be 'rum'

but I guess you worked that out anyway
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeJun 4th 2010
I think this is one that Aunty Sal could have told me:

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!
- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeJun 6th 2010
Hi everyone,

Barby thank you for the "get well card idea"

Bern hope you are feeling better.

One thing is for sure I feel better after visiting the forums.
I always leave with a 'smile'.

Thank you all you 'smile makers':)

Pam
- CommentAuthorDemmi
- CommentTimeJun 7th 2010
Hi everyone,
Bern, mate I hope that you are feeling better soon.You have been a great blogger all this time and life may have its ups and downs but we all still think of you and wish the best recovery.
I love coming back each week and reading the smilemaker posts esp Berns and BSpad etc.
I hope everyone is doing great and the Boys are doing a few things which I am following.
It seems amazing it is now 2 1/2 years since all this happened.Time and tide wait for no-one !
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeJun 7th 2010
MORNING FORUMITES and 2 guest
Thank you all for the get well call , great to hear from you Demmi, thanksPam
its been one hell of a month, Nan has not had a good sleep in that time because her bed mate just coughs all night,, because of the medication I am on I cant thae anything for it,I am 25% better now than last week
Hurry up summer

smile

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

The ungrateful little bxxxxrds.

bern
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeJun 7th 2010
Come with me to a third grade classroom... ..
There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened.

It has never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop. He puts his head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered.

As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself,"Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy.

The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out.

All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk.

The sympathy is wonderful, but as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to "get out. You've done enough, you klutz!"

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once, too."

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.

I hope that in the coming years there will be many people with fish bowls around me.

Isn't that a gorgeous story
Barby
- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeJun 8th 2010 edited
Barby,

That TRULY is a lovely story which I'm going to share near and far.

Last night I went to IRON CHEF at the Hilton Hotel .
It was a 6 course degustation meal so today I swear I will never eat (or drink) again :)

Pam
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeJun 10th 2010
MORNING FORUMITES
,I am still with this cold,at least the Dr is making a quid out of it
at last the rain has stop falling the sun is shining I wonder where the birdes is??
sorry that is the wine running out of bern

smile

> Greenie revenge!

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area.
In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into
the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared.
Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area' . . . I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'

bern
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeJun 12th 2010 edited
Rescued solo teen sailor Abby Sunderland says she is determined to take to the seas and sail around the world once again. She doesn’t learn from her experience.

Her recovery shows how with modern electronics the rescuers were able find her little boat in the middle of nowhere.

Read about Abby at:
http://soloround.blogspot.com

The Bounty Boat expedition is due to reach Kupang, the capital of West Timor, in about 3 days. Captain William Bligh landed there following the mutiny on the Bounty. The Bounty Boat is repeating the journey Bligh lead 221 years ago.
http://www.bountyboat.blogspot.com/

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl set on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated of all things a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this," pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all this winter."

Barry
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeJun 13th 2010 edited
Morning ALL!

An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview in England.

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day.."

The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panter on TV."

Last was the Indian: "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone go green green. I pink up the phone and I say yellow.'"

Barry
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeJun 14th 2010
MORNING FORUMITES
when will this cold go away?? get to a stage where I think I am on the up n up ,when it starts again
and this computer has to go to the Dr today the firms in some of the places you deal with , that old buggers like bern ,have not a clue what they are talking about in their computer lingothey wont put a phone No on the page so you can ask them,what is needed to fix things
so now I have to tak it up to Dr to fix it

smile

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

*Always keep your condoms in your car.*

bern
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeJun 14th 2010
have just read my email ,and holy cow some one {no names}has told me how to cure my cough

Subject: Cough Syrup

The pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk:
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative."

The pharmacist yells:
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds,
"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough".

thanks mate bern
- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeJun 15th 2010
Subject : Shortest College Essay

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The instructions were : The short story had to contain the following three things:
1 Religion
2 Sexuality
3 Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class

"Good God, I'm pregnant: I wonder who did it."

Pam
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeJun 16th 2010
Just checked in for a little while and have read a few smiles, some good and interesting details about being found in the middle of the Indian Ocean, a cough cure, and how to write a short story ..... what a fantastic forum this is.

Barry, thanks for the info about adventurers and good to see you back in form again.

Bern, hope you better and firing on all cylinders (whatever they are!!!!!)

Pam, it's always good to see you popping in with some smiles as well.

Windy tonight, expecting some strong influences coming right across from Perth. It's as well young Jess got home when she did before the real bad weather started.

It's a few weeks now till we finish the reno, and then I can get back into the swing of things again

Take care you all
Barby
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeJun 16th 2010
MORNING FORUMITES
HI Barby ,in your reno I hope Carl has made a featurewall in the tv room of post holes , so you can watch the tv from the kitchen.
I hope this time next week the flu is gone , BUT,, the last??? weeks , Ihave felt I am getting better when WHAM ,its back again Ifeel lots better today ,fingers crossed.
the mother of the young girl they had to pull out of the water, she has only got $$$ in her eyes saying her Daughter will go again, send mum and keep the girl home

smile

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
----------------------------------------------------------------

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

and MY Favourite!!
=========================
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

bern
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeJun 16th 2010 edited
Bern

I will add those to my dictionary.

I think there are easier and less dangerous ways to make money than trying to sail around the world.

Wealthy sailors often make their money as land sharks.

You left the window open and in-fluenza.

You know you have the swine flu when you wake up with an apple in your mouth.

Barry
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeJun 17th 2010 edited
Good morning ALL!

The four-man adventure to recreate Captain William Bligh's epic 3,700-mile open boat voyage succeeded this week.

Like Bligh and his crew, over 200 years ago, they were short of food and water and lacked home comforts such as toilet paper.

The replica Bounty Boat arrived at Kupang, West Timor, from Tonga after a seven week voyage.

http://www.sail-world.com/Australia/Captain-William-Bligh-did-it---and-so-did-they!/70821

and

http://www.bountyboat.blogspot.com

Barry
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeJun 17th 2010
Thanks Barry for all the up-to-date news of adventurers ... you really are a gem with this info.

Bern, the post holes were used under the new deck, replacing the old ones that had deteriorated.

Here's a test for you all: it was developed as a mental age assessment
By the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat..
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10 This is for cat.
11 This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.

Barby
- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeJun 17th 2010
Thank you Barby.

I was able to read each line without mistake.
Does that mean I am not yet 40? WOW!
You've made my day.

Now that shows I'm really over 40 if little things like that make my day :)

Pam
- CommentAuthorlil9934
- CommentTimeJun 17th 2010
Hey Pam I read it without making a blue ....so does that put you in the 77yr old class???
its the getting out of bed that I worry about,I have to wake Nan and ask "do I live here???
bern
- CommentAuthorsally
- CommentTimeJun 18th 2010
Hello all

hope everyone is ok.

have alot of reading to catch up on.

Aunty Sal
- CommentAuthorsally
- CommentTimeJun 19th 2010
Good morning everyone,

Go the socceroos!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't like the colour red.
Still reading.

Smile

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?'
Jim agrees.'

Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country ... the history, the beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English ---they're so arrogant and rude.
'
So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Aunty Sal
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeJun 20th 2010
Aunty Sal, Why don't you suggest John and Jim come here to the land of Oz?
Barby
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeJun 22nd 2010 edited
Hello ALL!

Sadly the milkman’s home delivery like the baker, travelling butcher, iceman, clothes prop man and rabbito has died out. We have preserved these notes left for the milko.

1. No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
2. Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
3. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
4. From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.
5. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
6. My back door is open. Please put two bottles in the fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pennies because we want to play bingo tonight.
7. Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
8. Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk bottles and drinking the cream off the top.
9. No milk for the next week as we are away but don't tell anybody. Please feed the chooks.
10. So sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

Barry
- CommentAuthorbspad
- CommentTimeJun 22nd 2010
Thanks Barry for bringing back memories

When I was a little girl the milkman ladled milk into 2 huge metal flagons for my family of Dad, Mum, Nanny and us 6 kids. When I was older we had 14 pints of milk delivered every day. I remember my oldest sister going on a date with her now husband, and his shock at seeing all the empty milk bottles lines up on the front porch ready for the milkman to exchange for full ones when he came at 5am each morning.... Mum always put the correct money into one of the empty bottles and it was never stolen.

Then there was the grocer who always had a packet of broken biscuits and a bag of lollies as a treat for us in with Mum's grocery order that he delivered personally through the back door.

Here's something amazing to see ..
http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/health-science/astronaut-snaps-aurora-australis-from-on-board-the-international-space-station/story-e6frg8y6-1225882742522

Barby
- CommentAuthorHavabeermates
- CommentTimeJun 23rd 2010
Barby

I remember someone asking the grocer for a penny worth of broken biscuits. The grocer said “I have run out of broken biscuits, I will have to go out the back and break some more.”

School Excuse Notes

• Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Barry
- CommentAuthorwhitneypam
- CommentTimeJun 23rd 2010
Barby & Barry it shows your age and mine when we talk about broken biscuits.
Our grocer had the brown paper bags ready for us as we walked past in the afternoon after school.
That's it - the children these days don't walk home from school so there is no need for broken biscuits :)

I remember the chemist had Akta Vite samples to give out - that is when samples were FREE!
Now the question is who remembers Akta Vite??

Back to work after my stroll down memory lane

Pam

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