Not signed in (Sign In)

Follow us on twitter

Categories

Vanilla 1.1.8 is a product of Lussumo. More Information: Documentation, Community Support.

Welcome Guest!
Want to take part in these discussions? If you have an account, sign in now.
If you don't have an account, apply for one now.
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 7th 2009
     
    MORNING FORUMITES
    Thanks for the hot weather report Barry.we will have a cool 34 here today.
    Barby get the grand kids down to the MENTONE BEACH, we can not keep uors away from the beach. they hit the tent, say G/DAY ,we are off to the beach now,thats 4 times a year.
    or as PAM said put a shovel in there hands....easy


    smile

    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing g together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

    For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 8th 2009
     
    just lost all my typed stuff so have to start again

    Pam, Thanks for the suggestions for our grandsons. The hold digging is a good one as we have just had rain.. maybe they can dig us a swimming pool. They could go 10-pin bowling, as the local bowling alley has recently been put onto the historic list of buildings, eing a prime example of a 1960s building (I bet Bern doesn't know that yet).

    Young Jessica is going well, but the further she heads South, the warmer clothes she will need. She should take a left turn soon to head towards Cape Horn ... brrrrrrrrrr .. I bet it's cold down there.

    I have been checking some internet sites for info on wind and water temperatures etc.,

    http://weather.yahoo.com/img/pac_oce_sat_440x297.html
    this gives weather in the Pacific Ocean

    http://earth.usc.edu/~stott/Catalina/Oceans.html
    scroll down for interesting info about water currents etc

    http://weather.unisys.com/surface/sst.html
    this gives water temperatures around the world

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Map_prevailing_winds_on_earth.png
    general wind directions around the world

    Hope this helps appreciate Jessica's trip more

    Barby
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 8th 2009
     
    Here's another weather map for South America


    http://weather.yahoo.com/img/sa_satintl_440_mdy_y.jpg.html
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2009
     
    Helloooooooooooooooooooooo it looks like just me and 1 guest

    Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

    'It is!'

    'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

    'I can!'

    'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

    'I do!'

    'Is he a member of your congregation?'

    'He is!'

    'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

    'He will.'
  1.  
    Here are some smiles to keep you going.

    1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

    2. A will is a dead give-away.

    3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

    4. A backward poet writes inverse.

    5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
    Count that votes.

    6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

    7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

    8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress..

    9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

    10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

    12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France which resulted in Linoleum
    Blownapart.

    13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

    15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    16. A calendar's days are numbered.

    17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

    18.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

    19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

    21. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
    large.

    22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

    24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

    25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

    26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

    29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

    30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    He acquired his size from too much pi.

    31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
    out to be an optical Aleutian .

    32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

    33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
    was a weapon of math disruption.

    34. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    35. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

    36. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    37. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
    looking into it.

    38. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

    39. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
    the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

    40. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    41. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    42. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
    his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

    43. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
    seasoned veteran.

    44. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    Barry
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2009
     
    MORNING FORUNITES.
    I heard your call Barby it sounded like you had fallen into one of the post holes. yer I have been very slack lately ,
    Sorry , but I have been feeling crap house,what anoyes me most little jobs that 12 months ago , were a 2 second job , now are a 2day job zxzxzx///zxxz
    but we can still have a

    smile

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
    The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
    The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
    The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

    bern
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2009
     
    Up early Bern. . .. we have had some good rain, and no, I wasn't caught down a posthole as they were full of water and looked like small swimming pools.

    Our littlest granddaughter, just 2 years and so cute, usually runs straight to me and jumps into my arms...
    yesterday, she went straight to Karl, put out her hand and said "Come on Karl, up the steps"

    Barby
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2009
     
    Barry, I would have got top in class with all your great info
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2009
     
    Can anyone work out why young Jessica sailed right up north above the Equator, only to come back down almost level with Sydney again.
    Is that the best way because of the trade winds, or the tides, or did she just want to say she has been to the Northern Hemisphere?
    I thought she could have tacked across to the Cook Islands or French Polynesia without going so far north - but, as I have not been, or want to be, sailing around the world, what do I know????

    Barby
  2.  
    Barby,

    You ask why Jessica crossed the equator only to come south again. It is in the rules.

    From her website, I read “ There are a few key targets that I must achieve to qualify for around the world status. The approximate distance is 23,000 nautical miles (about 38,000 kilometres). I must depart and arrive from the same port, cross all lines of longitude, cross the equator entering into the Northern Hemisphere at least once and round the southern landmarks of South America and South Africa.”

    http://www.jessicawatson.com.au/pink-lady

    SMILE

    A woman at a petrol station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump fuel into it. The woman noticed the letters U.F.O. printed on the side of the ship.

    She turned to the alien and asked Does U.F.O.stand for Unidentified Flying Object?

    The alien answered, No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!

    Barry
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2009
     
    Thanks Barry, I didn'tknow there were such rules for sailing around the world. Do you know who determines those rules? Is it like Fina in Swimming, or such.
    Barby
  3.  
    It is not easy to find out who makes the rules for around the world sailing records, however some rules are set out in:
    http://www.adventurestats.com/rules.shtml#sailing

    and there is a list of solo circumnavigators at:
    http://www.solocircumnavigation.com/SoloSailingCircumnavigation/SinglehandedCircumnavigators.htm

    Around the world sailing is not yet an Olympic sport.

    Barry
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 11th 2009
     
    Can you imagine if it was an Olympic sport, how long for heats and finals, and would you have accompanying officials to check for cheating our in the middle of the oceans?

    Thanks for the info though .. you're a wiz at finding it

    avagoodweegend
    Barby
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 11th 2009
     
    MORNING FORUMITES,
    Gave you all a wave from the middle of the FORSTER BRIDGE yesterday, I am suer I seen Mrs Dobbins at her clothesline all the way over in the USA, also I asked a few people if they knew Haveabeer mate, "Sure "they said "Come on in and we will have one " Cheers Barry

    smile

    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
    As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
    The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
    The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

    Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

    bern
  4.  
    Bern

    I saw you waving from the Forster bridge.

    I hope that you had a beer for me.

    An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.
    The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"

    Barry
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 13th 2009 edited
     
    MORNING FORUMITES,
    THE LULL BEFORE THE STORM begins ,,the 3 grandchildren from U S A arrive this week , then the ORANGE crew 3 day after that.I will have to get out of bed at midnight ,to say Morn to the FORUMITES,or hire in another 3 or 4 computers, Why did"nt you think about this before you had children Bern?? .Back then Bern computers wern"t thought of then ,
    no mobil phones, tranny radios weigh30 lbs, petrol 4 gallons for 10 bob {$1]-- 6 pence [5 cents]a week pocket money if you were lucky,or sell 2 empty beer bottles to the bottle o for 1 penny {1 cent] you can give me back those days anyday

    but a smile themdays was just the same smile today
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 13th 2009
     
    wooback Bern you forgot to smile

    ne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
    She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
    Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?

    bern'
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 13th 2009
     
    Bern - I just caught that wave from the bridge and know exactly where you sent it from - what a great spot with lots of memories of when it was being built, and when it was finally opened.

    Here is the wave coming back to you and to Nan
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**************************************************

    We also have the calm before the storm too - 'the family' arrive tonight at midnight from Townsville ............. amongst them are the two oldest grandsons .. hopefully they keep occupied and don't end up with 'I'm bored'. At least the beach is not far away, and the movies, and the bowling alley, and the train where they can go to the city for the day. One thing's for sure, they're at the age where they want to sleep in and lose half the day anyway. I'm exaggerating a bit - they are really nice boys, it's just that they're at an age that they need entertaining all the time, and Bob the Builder is now too young for them!

    Hubby and I often walk along the beach early in the day .. it's a lovely thing to do and makes us appreciate the lovely spot we live.

    That reminds me of the second youngest one who, when he was just 3 and learning to ride a bike, we took him along the beach path to practice. I told him that the big bike riders always say 'passing' when they go past another rider, so when he saw the only 2 people standing on the path, about 50 metres away from him, he called out at the top of his voice over and over

    'WATCH OUT EVERYONE, GET OUT OF MY WAY, I'M COMING THROUGH, SO YOU'D BETTER STEP BACK, I'M COMING... I'M COMING, WATCH OUT"

    It was hillarious, and the people cracked up laughing.

    You can tell we're used to the little ones, who are easy peasy to look after.

    So, with a house full for the next 3 weeks, I don't know how often I'll be able to let you know how things are going.

    Just checked Jessica's web site too, and she has mentioned she is out there all alone. She says she's not lonely though. I have never felt lonely either, but being alone is something different. You can be alone, but not lonely if you are actively doing something interesting. I think she is in that situation where she has so many particular things to accomplish during the day, and she knows many people around the world are watching out for her... like our J&J.

    I also have computer problems - no sound, and links are not working - so it will be off to the computer doctor when I can get there.

    Barby
    • CommentAuthorwhitneypam
    • CommentTimeDec 14th 2009
     
    WOW

    I have been so busy lately I haven't checked in.
    You realise of course that the world closes down forever at Christmas so all our customers want things done NOW!!!
    At least I had a few smiles to keep me sane.
    Thank you for those - oh oh there goes the phone again

    Bye
    Pam
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 15th 2009
     
    My forgetter's getting better,
    But my rememberer is broke
    To you that may seem funny
    But, to me, that is no joke


    For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
    If I really should be 'there'
    And, when I try to think it through,
    I haven't got a prayer!

    Oft times I walk into a room,
    Say 'what am I here for?'
    I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
    A zero, is my score.

    At times I put something away
    Where it is safe, but, Gee!
    The person it is safest from
    Is, generally, me!

    When shopping I may see someone,
    Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
    Then, when the person walks away
    I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?

    Yes, my forgetter's getting better
    While my rememberer is broke,
    And it's driving me plumb crazy
    And that isn't any joke.

    Just as well this forum has a 'remember me' facility, or I wouldn't remember who I am

    Barby
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2009
     
    MORNING FORUMITES & 2 guest
    Barby meet your brother ,thats me you are talking about
    how easy to be only 10 feet away from what you want ,when you get 9 feet >>>>what did I come for???

    smile [ a repeat]

    All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge “I should bein charge” said the brain.”because I run all the body’s systems,so without me nothing would happen”
    “ I should be in charge “ said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so with out me you”d waste away”
    “I should be in charge “ said the stomach, “because I process food and give you energy”
    “I should be in charge” said the rectum,” because I’m responsible for waste removal”
    All other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulated him, so in a huff,he shut right down.
    Within a few days , the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic,
    Eventually the other organs gave in.
    They all agree that the rectum should be boss.
    The moral of the story?
    You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Just be an asshole

    bern
  5.  
    Jessica has now been at sea for 60 days. She has travelled 7,000 nautical miles (about 13,000 kilometres) and is now less than 3,000 nm from rounding Cape Horn having entered the zone referred to as the ‘Roaring 40’s’ with strong, cold westerlies predicted in the coming weeks. She has had it easy up till now.

    http://www.jessicawatson.com.au/day-60-update-7000-miles-into-roaring-40s-successful-mast-climb

    http://www.youngestround.blogspot.com

    SMILE

    You never get anything right, complained the teacher. What kind of job do you think you’ll get when you leave school? Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.

    Barry
    • CommentAuthorwhitneypam
    • CommentTimeDec 17th 2009
     
    Bern
    At this time of the year all the organs mentioned don't need to have the rectum to shut down.
    The brain still has a headache, the stomach is bloated and the blood is toxic.
    And by the way the rectum works overtime!!
    Why do we do this to ourselves - 'the silly season'

    Pam
  6.  
    Pam

    If you are like that now, how will you be after Christmas dinner?

    Barry
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 19th 2009
     
    MORNING FORUMITES,
    Well the silly season is upon us, and looking out the tent flap , the weather looks wild and wooly, big write up story in the local paper we want good rain before xmas , as the inflow of people to the Manning Vally will use up the water in the dam s . which I can understand , there will be 4 extra people staying at this tentfor next 3-4 weeks so thats 4 extra showers per day plus the loo, so say 2 extra per house for every house in the Vally, sure going to use up the water

    bern
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 19th 2009
     
    WHOOOOO bern where is the smile???

    smile


    A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops

    into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

    He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

    I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

    The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you

    could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

    The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

    thank you

    bern
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 19th 2009
     
    Bern - you are getting to the bottom of the barrel again.
    I am your conscience indicator .... to help you claw your way up the ladder again to raise the standard to the highest level of humour.

    What was I worried about???? Two hugely tall teenagers and extra two adults in the house. You are right about the showers and water use, the thing I notice most in the extreme use of loo paper and milk - not to be connected in any argument (escpecially Bern's argument about rectums), but the continued buying of such items is unbelievable!

    So far, learning to surf board ride, indoor rock climbing, skate boarding, eating, eating, eating have been on the agenda, and lots of family togetherness ... it's fun, but a bit of work involved to keep things moving along smoothly.

    Hopefully I'll get onto this site before the big day at the end of this week.

    We are following young Jessica still and think she will have some interesting times in the next few weeks, so hope she is well prepared for a change from her realtively easy time so far.

    Love to all
    Barby
    • CommentAuthorsally
    • CommentTimeDec 19th 2009
     
    Hi Everyone,

    Peek a boo!

    Wishing you a very merry xmas and a happy and healthy new year to you all.
    Hope everyone is ok.

    Aunty Sal xxx
  7.  
    While others are looking after their visiting families at home, I will be away for the next 2 ½ weeks enjoying Christmas with friends.

    All the best wishes for Christmas and the new year.

    Good to see Sally back here.

    SMILES

    Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.


    and

    The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.

    Barry
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 20th 2009
     
    Happy Christmas to you all and a happy and prosperous and healthy New Year
    from
    Barby and hubby ( post hole digger .... maybe they're for next year's Christmas trees)
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2009
     
    MORNING FORUMITES & 2 guest
    Sorry Barby .....The season starts today , U S A hits the town , I will see you all when ever I can
    From the bottom of my Heart I wish you alll a MERRY , HEALTHY XMAS , AND GOOD WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR

    smile


    Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting back together they
    discussed their success and the great gifts they were able to buy their elderly
    mother.

    The first son said, "I sent mom a Mercedes."

    The second son said, "I bought mom a mansion.

    The third son smirked and said, "I've got you both BEAT! Remember how mom liked
    reading the Bible when we were young? And you know she can't see very well
    anymore?... Well, I sent her an AMAZING parrot that recites the ENTIRE Bible! It
    took elders in the church 12 years to teach this parrot. He's one of a kind!!
    Mom now just has to name the verse and BAM the parrot recites it!"

    Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her thank you letters.

    "Andy, she wrote, "the house you built is so big and even though I live in one
    room, I still have to clean the whole house."

    "John," she wrote, "I am too old to travel and spend most of my time at home, so
    I never use the Mercedes.

    "Mark," she wrote to her third son, You are my favorite son. You have such good
    sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was simply delicious!!"

    bern
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 21st 2009
     
    love the joke Bern - yes, the chicken was really good!
    Barby
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 22nd 2009
     
    MORNING FORUMITES
    aLL IS QUITE , boy looking out the tent flap this morn, its going to boil today , Orange will be having a hot 7/8hr drive today,might be to hot for fishing today?? see whats going on when the storm wakes up


    SMILE

    Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.

    The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

    "Tuesday," replies the second man.

    The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

    "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

    "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

    BERN
    • CommentAuthorwhitneypam
    • CommentTimeDec 23rd 2009
     
    Merry Christmas Everyone!
    Where has this year gone?
    Thank you for all the 'smiles' I have read thru the year and all the news be it from the tent, near a post hole or wherever.
    Make sure any of you who get joke books share the 'smiles' with all your friends on the Forum.
    Last but not least make sure that during this silly season that you drive safely and I'll see you next year.

    Love Pam
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 24th 2009
     
    To all you good friends,

    Many thanks for keeping in touch, the jokes and concern for each other.
    I'm sure James and Justin and Patrick too will have good times over the Christmas holiday.

    All the grandchildren are in bed and I too wonder where this year has gone.

    Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
    Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
    The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
    In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

    Love, blessings and every best wish to you all
    Barby
    • CommentAuthorsally
    • CommentTimeDec 24th 2009
     
    Have a Merry Christmas everyone.

    Wishing you all the very best for 2010, and to enjoy your xmas with family and friends tomorrow.

    Love Aunty Sal
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 24th 2009
     
    HEY WAKE UP HE HAS BEEN.... MORNING FORUMITES AND ,...SANTA
    I laid in bed last night, I am not going to sleep untill see SANTA
    I waited and waited my eyes said sleep Bern ...no I want to see Santa, but at 3-37 am my eyes closed till,3-39 am
    and I missed him,77 years I have been trying to say --- g/day--to santa but miss him ,, next year I am going to take a truck drivers yippy bean , Iwill not sleep for a week,

    smile

    Santa finds himself in considerable trouble. His business has gone bust and he has serious financial concerns. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray:
    'Oh God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.'

    Lotto night arrives and somebody else wins it.

    Banta goes back to the temple, 'God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

    Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!! Back to the temple he goes.

    'God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?'

    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Banta is confronted by the voice of the Lord, 'OYE BANTA, YOU HAVE TO BUY THE TICKET FIRST.'

    bern

    MERRY XMAS EVERYONE
    • CommentAuthorsally
    • CommentTimeDec 25th 2009
     
    Hi everyone,

    Hope you all survived xmas day with no hiccups, (problems). I bet there were alot of hiccups, especially you Bern, you and your partner (red).

    smile

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

    The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

    "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

    "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

    "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

    "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

    The same thing happens for two weeks…

    Then one day the circus comes to town.

    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

    "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

    "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

    "At the circus," says the barman.

    "The circus?" repeats the duck.

    "That's right," replies the barman.

    "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

    "Yeah," the barman replies.

    "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

    "Of course," the barman replies.

    "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

    "That's right!" says the barman.

    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ...

    "What the f$%# would they want with a plasterer??!"

    Aunty Sal
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 26th 2009
     
    MORNING FORUMITES , Hi aunty sal , good one,
    well we have rain too early to see how much we got last night but looking out the tent flap alls wet
    When the GrandChildren started to come along ,I made a little wish, that when the last of them turned 18 I would take them all down the pub and have a beer,
    Xmas eve the 2 18 yr olds said" Come on Pop , we are taking you down the pub for a beer" Beautiful

    smile

    Thought For The Day




    'Good looks
    catch the eye
    but
    a GOOD personality catches the heart.

    You're blessed
    with both!'




    Don't be flattered,




    this message
    was sent to ME!!




    I just wanted
    YOU to read it.

    bern
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 28th 2009
     
    MORNING FORUMITES morn sal & bern
    looks like the forum are doing a yanky doodle? all riding to london on a pony

    smile

    As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
    As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
    Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
    "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

    bern
    • CommentAuthorsally
    • CommentTimeDec 30th 2009
     
    Good evening anyone, Bern,
    Wishing you Bern Nan and family, and everyone a Happy and Safe 2010, and hopefully it will be a better one for all.
    Aunty Sal
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 30th 2009
     
    Wishing you all a Very Happy New Year - a few hours early but won't be here to send a message at midnight.

    Being of Scottish descent, I am going to celebrate very proudly and loudly

    ... open the back door ... out with the Old Year .... the old year blows out the back
    .... open the front door ... ... and the New Year comes in the front

    it's a little like sailing, knowing which way the wind will blow.

    The first visitor after midnight should be dark haired, that's because Vikings were usually blonde and meant trouble in the auld days (.....where did I get my blonde hair, and my grandchildren get their red hair, and all our blue eyes you might ask?????)

    Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
    And never brought to mind?
    Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
    And auld lang syne? (For days gone by)

    For auld lang syne, my jo,
    For auld lang syne,
    We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet,
    For auld lang syne.

    And there's a hand, my trusty fiere,
    And gie's a hand o' thine,
    And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught, (And we'll take a very hearty drink)
    For auld lang syne!

    Good luck, and enjoy what 2010 brings us
    Happy Hogmanay (Oige maidne This means 'new morning' in Old Gaelic.)
    'A guid New Year to ane an' a'! ('A good New Year to one and all.')

    from
    Barby, hubby and all the family and grandchildren that are taking up the rest of the house
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeDec 30th 2009
     
    Also,
    looking forward to many more jokes and smiles in the new year

    Barby
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeDec 31st 2009
     
    AND A HAPPY NEWYEAR TO THE DEAR FORUMITES
    And that includes the little Scottish lass just before this post
    I only hope this next 12 months run for 12 months not like 2009 it only had 4 months in it
    HAPPY new year , and GOD BLESS YOU ALL

    smile

    A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
    One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic
    lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

    The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

    The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my
    husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

    POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

    Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my
    family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

    POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

    The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

    The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

    The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

    bern
    • CommentAuthorsally
    • CommentTimeJan 1st 2010
     
    Happy New Year everyone,

    Smile

    An elderly gentleman....
    Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

    The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
    I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

    Aunty Sal
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeJan 1st 2010
     
    MORNING FORUMITES,
    My young Grandson [ 18]had a joke book and he started reading them to me , I think that chap who wrort it has been reading the FORUM for the last 12 months??

    smile

    A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in
    a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's
    prize bull was missing from the section through
    which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted
    to be paid the fair value of the bull.

    The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice
    of the peace in the back room of the general store.

    The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered
    the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of
    court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and
    finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he
    was asking.

    After the rancher had signed the release and took
    the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating
    a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You
    know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one
    over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case.
    The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
    caboose when the train went through your ranch that
    morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand.
    I bluffed you!"

    The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young
    feller, I was a little worried about winning that case
    myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

    bern
  8.  
    I guess you are all in the second day of the new year, I am wrapping up the first.....Happy New Year to you All. I sit here thinking about how you send your grandkids to the beach, or take a walk on the beach....well, I would kill to live close to the beach!!!! My #1 resolution is to take a bunch of pictures and put them on the web so i can show you West Texas and where I live....I am writing that down now, but you won't let me forget.... We are in winter, it snowed A LOT two days before Christmas, .... I must confess, we went with our son on Christmas eve to a church service, we had no business being out in that terrrible weather, I sat in the back seat and most of the way I had my eyes closed!!! It took us 30 minutes that night which usually only takes 10 to 15 minutes on good dry roads. I feel rediculous admitting that, but you know, there were an awful lot of other people out that night too. We had about 5 inches of snow, which isn't really to bad, but it had rained just before the snow came and the ice under the snow made for awful driving and the temperature never got up about freezing for about four or five days. Haven't seen weather like this in probably 15 years or more! The sun was shining today and warmer, but I am ready for WARM days, I won't even complain about it being hot. :-))
    Happy New Year to you all. I know I haven't checked in lately, but there is not a week that goes by that I don't think of you all. May be that is when you were waving on the bridge, Bern. Will go back and read the smiles, have a great week.... until the next time.....May your trouble be less, Your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door..... (did I read that here or some where else,,,,no matter....I like it!)
    pat
  9.  
    Hi Everyone / Happy & Safe New Year.
    I agree with you Bern. Last year only had 4 months in it. Where did it go?
    Pat, I envy you as I have seen snow/slush when I was in London many moons ago as an Aussie backpacker(when it was safe to tour around) but I've never seen a place blanketed in snow. Just 1 day would probably be enough as I hate the cold.
    I love the heat - summer is my favourite season. As I sit here now we have had a corker (bloody hot) day and I can hear the thunder as we get one of those summer downpours which makes it even more humid. There is an eerie stillness around.

    Smile Time
    It's a slow day in a little West Coast town. The rain is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

    On this particular day a rich tourist from Sydney is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

    As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

    The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

    The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

    The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

    The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

    The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.

    At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

    No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

    However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how some Governments are conducting business today.

    Pam













    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    • CommentAuthorbspad
    • CommentTimeJan 2nd 2010
     
    Bern, I keep telling you I'm blonde ... yes, I wish my friends were here, and,
    you made me get a tear in my eye, as my dear Dad used to call me 'wee lassie'.

    It's lovely to hear from Aunty Sal, Pam and Cutterbuddy Pat again .. and of course, good Bern

    What a New Year's Eve we had here .... a day of 40 degrees C, then twilight with a huge, yellow full moon rising in the East, enormous black clouds and sheet lightening from the South-West, two weather systems meeting and then, BANG ... thunder from two directions. Our kids and grandkids (and me, I must confess) so pleased the high temperature dropped that we danced in the rain, howled at the moon, and acted like 'the wild things' for over 4 hours. What fun to be a kid again, free and celebrating like druids around stone henge.

    Sadly, our family return to Queensland tomorrow after 3 weeks with us - we're sort of used to a full house now.

    What's next?? - I suppose it's back to the post holes and normality (whatever that is).

    I'm still following young Jessica on her travels and hope she gets around the Cape easily.

    love to all for this year ... it's a good one already!
    Barby
    • CommentAuthorlil9934
    • CommentTimeJan 2nd 2010
     
    MORNING FORUMITES
    NO blonde jokes for 2 weeks ,for the wee lassie from the sea side
    Morn Pam and Pat, Pat after living in the BLUE MOUNTAINS for 30 odd years where we had snow ,frost as thick as my head3 weeks of summer if lucky,working out side on the farm 7 days a week, then moving to TAREE [ Gods Country},wild horses could not get me back to the Blue Mountainsto live

    smile

    While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

    "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.

    p”Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For crying out loud its 2 am ,go to sleep

    bern