MORNING FORUMITES
Thanks for the hot weather report Barry.we will have a cool 34 here today.
Barby get the grand kids down to the MENTONE BEACH, we can not keep uors away from the beach. they hit the tent, say G/DAY ,we are off to the beach now,thats 4 times a year.
or as PAM said put a shovel in there hands....easy


smile

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing g together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

Here's another weather map for South America


http://weather.yahoo.com/img/sa_satintl_440_mdy_y.jpg.html

Here are some smiles to keep you going.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead give-away.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress..

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France which resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

34. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

35. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

36. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

37. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

38. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

39. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

40. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

41. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

42. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

43. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

44. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Barry

Up early Bern. . .. we have had some good rain, and no, I wasn't caught down a posthole as they were full of water and looked like small swimming pools.

Our littlest granddaughter, just 2 years and so cute, usually runs straight to me and jumps into my arms...
yesterday, she went straight to Karl, put out her hand and said "Come on Karl, up the steps"

Barby

Can anyone work out why young Jessica sailed right up north above the Equator, only to come back down almost level with Sydney again.
Is that the best way because of the trade winds, or the tides, or did she just want to say she has been to the Northern Hemisphere?
I thought she could have tacked across to the Cook Islands or French Polynesia without going so far north - but, as I have not been, or want to be, sailing around the world, what do I know????

Barby

Thanks Barry, I didn'tknow there were such rules for sailing around the world. Do you know who determines those rules? Is it like Fina in Swimming, or such.
Barby

Can you imagine if it was an Olympic sport, how long for heats and finals, and would you have accompanying officials to check for cheating our in the middle of the oceans?

Thanks for the info though .. you're a wiz at finding it

avagoodweegend
Barby

Bern

I saw you waving from the Forster bridge.

I hope that you had a beer for me.

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"

Barry

wooback Bern you forgot to smile

ne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?

bern'

WOW

I have been so busy lately I haven't checked in.
You realise of course that the world closes down forever at Christmas so all our customers want things done NOW!!!
At least I had a few smiles to keep me sane.
Thank you for those - oh oh there goes the phone again

Bye
Pam

MORNING FORUMITES & 2 guest
Barby meet your brother ,thats me you are talking about
how easy to be only 10 feet away from what you want ,when you get 9 feet >>>>what did I come for???

smile [ a repeat]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge “I should bein charge” said the brain.”because I run all the body’s systems,so without me nothing would happen”
“ I should be in charge “ said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so with out me you”d waste away”
“I should be in charge “ said the stomach, “because I process food and give you energy”
“I should be in charge” said the rectum,” because I’m responsible for waste removal”
All other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulated him, so in a huff,he shut right down.
Within a few days , the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic,
Eventually the other organs gave in.
They all agree that the rectum should be boss.
The moral of the story?
You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just be an asshole

bern

Bern
At this time of the year all the organs mentioned don't need to have the rectum to shut down.
The brain still has a headache, the stomach is bloated and the blood is toxic.
And by the way the rectum works overtime!!
Why do we do this to ourselves - 'the silly season'

Pam

MORNING FORUMITES,
Well the silly season is upon us, and looking out the tent flap , the weather looks wild and wooly, big write up story in the local paper we want good rain before xmas , as the inflow of people to the Manning Vally will use up the water in the dam s . which I can understand , there will be 4 extra people staying at this tentfor next 3-4 weeks so thats 4 extra showers per day plus the loo, so say 2 extra per house for every house in the Vally, sure going to use up the water

bern

Bern - you are getting to the bottom of the barrel again.
I am your conscience indicator .... to help you claw your way up the ladder again to raise the standard to the highest level of humour.

What was I worried about???? Two hugely tall teenagers and extra two adults in the house. You are right about the showers and water use, the thing I notice most in the extreme use of loo paper and milk - not to be connected in any argument (escpecially Bern's argument about rectums), but the continued buying of such items is unbelievable!

So far, learning to surf board ride, indoor rock climbing, skate boarding, eating, eating, eating have been on the agenda, and lots of family togetherness ... it's fun, but a bit of work involved to keep things moving along smoothly.

Hopefully I'll get onto this site before the big day at the end of this week.

We are following young Jessica still and think she will have some interesting times in the next few weeks, so hope she is well prepared for a change from her realtively easy time so far.

Love to all
Barby

While others are looking after their visiting families at home, I will be away for the next 2 ½ weeks enjoying Christmas with friends.

All the best wishes for Christmas and the new year.

Good to see Sally back here.

SMILES

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.


and

The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.

Barry

MORNING FORUMITES & 2 guest
Sorry Barby .....The season starts today , U S A hits the town , I will see you all when ever I can
From the bottom of my Heart I wish you alll a MERRY , HEALTHY XMAS , AND GOOD WISHES FOR THE NEW YEAR

smile


Three sons left home and prospered in life. When getting back together they
discussed their success and the great gifts they were able to buy their elderly
mother.

The first son said, "I sent mom a Mercedes."

The second son said, "I bought mom a mansion.

The third son smirked and said, "I've got you both BEAT! Remember how mom liked
reading the Bible when we were young? And you know she can't see very well
anymore?... Well, I sent her an AMAZING parrot that recites the ENTIRE Bible! It
took elders in the church 12 years to teach this parrot. He's one of a kind!!
Mom now just has to name the verse and BAM the parrot recites it!"

Soon after this meeting of the sons, mom sent out her thank you letters.

"Andy, she wrote, "the house you built is so big and even though I live in one
room, I still have to clean the whole house."

"John," she wrote, "I am too old to travel and spend most of my time at home, so
I never use the Mercedes.

"Mark," she wrote to her third son, You are my favorite son. You have such good
sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was simply delicious!!"

bern

MORNING FORUMITES
aLL IS QUITE , boy looking out the tent flap this morn, its going to boil today , Orange will be having a hot 7/8hr drive today,might be to hot for fishing today?? see whats going on when the storm wakes up


SMILE

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

BERN

To all you good friends,

Many thanks for keeping in touch, the jokes and concern for each other.
I'm sure James and Justin and Patrick too will have good times over the Christmas holiday.

All the grandchildren are in bed and I too wonder where this year has gone.

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

Love, blessings and every best wish to you all
Barby

HEY WAKE UP HE HAS BEEN.... MORNING FORUMITES AND ,...SANTA
I laid in bed last night, I am not going to sleep untill see SANTA
I waited and waited my eyes said sleep Bern ...no I want to see Santa, but at 3-37 am my eyes closed till,3-39 am
and I missed him,77 years I have been trying to say --- g/day--to santa but miss him ,, next year I am going to take a truck drivers yippy bean , Iwill not sleep for a week,

smile

Santa finds himself in considerable trouble. His business has gone bust and he has serious financial concerns. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray:
'Oh God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.'

Lotto night arrives and somebody else wins it.

Banta goes back to the temple, 'God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lotto night comes and Banta still has no luck!! Back to the temple he goes.

'God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Banta is confronted by the voice of the Lord, 'OYE BANTA, YOU HAVE TO BUY THE TICKET FIRST.'

bern

MERRY XMAS EVERYONE

MORNING FORUMITES , Hi aunty sal , good one,
well we have rain too early to see how much we got last night but looking out the tent flap alls wet
When the GrandChildren started to come along ,I made a little wish, that when the last of them turned 18 I would take them all down the pub and have a beer,
Xmas eve the 2 18 yr olds said" Come on Pop , we are taking you down the pub for a beer" Beautiful

smile

Thought For The Day




'Good looks
catch the eye
but
a GOOD personality catches the heart.

You're blessed
with both!'




Don't be flattered,




this message
was sent to ME!!




I just wanted
YOU to read it.

bern

Good evening anyone, Bern,
Wishing you Bern Nan and family, and everyone a Happy and Safe 2010, and hopefully it will be a better one for all.
Aunty Sal

Also,
looking forward to many more jokes and smiles in the new year

Barby

Happy New Year everyone,

Smile

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Aunty Sal

I guess you are all in the second day of the new year, I am wrapping up the first.....Happy New Year to you All. I sit here thinking about how you send your grandkids to the beach, or take a walk on the beach....well, I would kill to live close to the beach!!!! My #1 resolution is to take a bunch of pictures and put them on the web so i can show you West Texas and where I live....I am writing that down now, but you won't let me forget.... We are in winter, it snowed A LOT two days before Christmas, .... I must confess, we went with our son on Christmas eve to a church service, we had no business being out in that terrrible weather, I sat in the back seat and most of the way I had my eyes closed!!! It took us 30 minutes that night which usually only takes 10 to 15 minutes on good dry roads. I feel rediculous admitting that, but you know, there were an awful lot of other people out that night too. We had about 5 inches of snow, which isn't really to bad, but it had rained just before the snow came and the ice under the snow made for awful driving and the temperature never got up about freezing for about four or five days. Haven't seen weather like this in probably 15 years or more! The sun was shining today and warmer, but I am ready for WARM days, I won't even complain about it being hot. :-))
Happy New Year to you all. I know I haven't checked in lately, but there is not a week that goes by that I don't think of you all. May be that is when you were waving on the bridge, Bern. Will go back and read the smiles, have a great week.... until the next time.....May your trouble be less, Your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door..... (did I read that here or some where else,,,,no matter....I like it!)
pat

Bern, I keep telling you I'm blonde ... yes, I wish my friends were here, and,
you made me get a tear in my eye, as my dear Dad used to call me 'wee lassie'.

It's lovely to hear from Aunty Sal, Pam and Cutterbuddy Pat again .. and of course, good Bern

What a New Year's Eve we had here .... a day of 40 degrees C, then twilight with a huge, yellow full moon rising in the East, enormous black clouds and sheet lightening from the South-West, two weather systems meeting and then, BANG ... thunder from two directions. Our kids and grandkids (and me, I must confess) so pleased the high temperature dropped that we danced in the rain, howled at the moon, and acted like 'the wild things' for over 4 hours. What fun to be a kid again, free and celebrating like druids around stone henge.

Sadly, our family return to Queensland tomorrow after 3 weeks with us - we're sort of used to a full house now.

What's next?? - I suppose it's back to the post holes and normality (whatever that is).

I'm still following young Jessica on her travels and hope she gets around the Cape easily.

love to all for this year ... it's a good one already!
Barby