Hello ALL!

Bern

Has your computer expert told you why your computer goes on the blink so often? Do you have an adequate and up to date security programme with anti-virus and firewall etc?


SMILE

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps...

..., were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks: I need another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

Barry

Hi everyone,
Loved your clean pussycat smile Bern.

Sunday Funny


> Subject: Medicare - creative solution!
>
>
> Australia´s Medicare
>
> A couple in their seventies went to a sex therapist's office in Melbourne...
>
> The doctor asked, 'What can I do for you?' The old man said, Will you
> watch us have sex?' The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
>
> When the couple had finished, the doctor said, 'There's nothing wrong
> with the way you have sex,' and charged them $50.
>
> This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
> have sex with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave.
>
> Finally the doctor asked, 'Just exactly what are you trying to find out?'
>
> The old man said, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
> and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
>
> The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $170. We do it here for $50
> and I get $43 back from Medicare.
>
> 'Is Australia great or what?'

Aunty Sal

MORNING FORUMITES,
Barry how true your smile has been many times.
Winter is knocking on the door, it was a extra blanket night
MR CHIPP you and NONNA put on the best game of footy I have seen in years, and I could hear you and Nonna yelling at the players,telling them what to do , and asking the ump how long he has been playing for Essendon.
you got beat but the game took away the hurt of that

smile

At the church’s husband’s marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the audience “Well, I’v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, “Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary…”
Luigi proudly replied, “I’m-a gonna go and-a get her

bern

Pam

I too have often lost things while posting to this and other web sites. So what I do now is type them into a separate document on my computer and then I copy it and post it into this site. If I lose it on the way it is so easy to make another copy. A lot easier than re-typing.

SMILE

A gorgeous young redhead went to a doctor and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed and then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

Barry

Hi all,
Hey Bern, great smile Bern.

Funny

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them".

Aunty Sal











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AUNTY SAL you know NOT to open the gin untill 5 pm

bern

MORNING FORUMITES
Getting bad this Swine flu and we have 2 Grand Children coming from USA in July
and one thing ,it aint getting warmer of a morning?

smile


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?


(because they are plugged into a genius)
-----------------------------------------------

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?


(they don't have enough time)


-----------------------------------------------

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?


(they don't stop to ask directions)
-----------------------------------------------
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

-----------------------------------------------

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

and

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"

"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.

The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."

bern

MORNING FORUMITES
Bit quite without Barby ,they would of been in trouble 50 60 years ago going away and leaving all Karls Postholes
out in the open ,
Because where the live ,that area was all racehorse "s every other house had stables, and Karl would of been in froff and bubble leaving them uncovered

smile

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through
blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not
to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta
let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting
there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate.

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets."

bern

MORNING FORUMITES, and ! Guest
Quite is not the word Barry, when I open up just now I thought I could hear thunder , but it was a bit of dust rolling down the hall,
but a smile is still here

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

bern

Been off the air for a few days but back now to read all the news and get my supply of smiles to get me thru the weekend :)

The Boss's computer had a virus which to be taken away to have all the tests done on it.
Got it back THEN somebody cut some lines in the city which sent Telstra into a spin.
Our ISP was beseiged with angry people who could not access their email (us being one)
By the time he opened his email after 3 days he has 100+ emails!!!!!!
Needless to say it was very strained in our office.
Back to normal now (thank goodness)

POETS Bye
Pam

MORNING FORUMITES

Thanks Aunty will read up on the RATS when I post this , it has gone quite on the forum , we want a new shot in the arm

smile

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.

After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."

bern

Hi everyone,
'
Thanks for that info Barry, already marked in.
More nail biting ahead for all.

Aunty Sal

Bern

Many who come here would have never heard of the dance called the twist. I can vaguly remember doing the twist to the song of the same name, by Chubby Checker, back in the early 60's.

I too have paid taxes for many moons and I am still paying taxes. I have never received social security and like you I have either too many assets and or too much income to get the old age pension.

I have been careful with money all my life so I am now much better off than those who have wasted their income on drink, smokes and by gambling and have lost it all and now try to live only on the old age pension.

As to those who move overseas. I understand that the pension payments and othe alowances are not automatic. They have to meet certain conditions to get it.

SMILE

ANCESTORS

If you line up your ancestors
All standing in a row,
Would you be proud of them?
Or don't you really know?
Strange discoveries are sometimes made,
In climbing the family tree
Occasionally one is found in line
Who shocks his progeny.
If you could see your ancestors
All standing in a row,
Perhaps there might be one or two
You wouldn't care to know
Now turn the question right about,
And take another view
When you shall meet your ancestors,
Will they be proud of you?
-----Author Unknown-----

You have some chance to chose your friends
but you never have any chance to choose your ancestors.
I have climbed my family tree for up to 6 generations, and those I know are ok.

Barry.

MORNING FORUMITES
Morn Barry, not much to talk about, but where has everybody gone???
just you , me ,and the gate post

smile

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman''s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn''t graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman''s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you d id for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

and

It''s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
I married Miss Right. I just didn''t know her first name was Always

bern

Hello ALL!

Bern

So both you and your computer are in good health.

Pam

If you don’t have any jokes at hand,
there are plenty to chose from on the net.

Smile

Why is a beer better than a woman?

1. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

2. When you go to a bar you can always pick up a good beer.

3. A beer won’t get upset if you come home smelling like another beer.

4. You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.

5. If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head on a beer.

6. Hangovers go away and don’t take your money.

7. You can share a beer with anyone.

8. A frigid beer is a good beer.

9. Beers won’t complain if you keep them waiting in the fridge.

10. A beer can’t get pregnant.

11. You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
Unless driving over the limit.

12. A beer won’t drive you to drink.

13. Too much beer may give you a headache, but unlike a woman,
a beer never has a headache.


Barry

Bern,

Not a blonde just mousy brown ( more grey now )
As for the Boss he is bowling ball shine!!!
If I remember he had brown curls before he became Uncle Fester!!
Here he comes - with a cuppa.

Bye
Pam

MORNING FORUMITES
Morn Pam , Barry. any quiter and you could hear 2 pin drops, They all go with Barby ???
thanks for the photo Barry,nice looking couple with Pam,

smile

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, how do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

bern

GOOD ONE PAM
Barry I knew all along Pam wasnt a blonde

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

bern

MORNING FORUMITES
will have a laugh and smile and shake the head this morning

smile

TRUE STORY : You owe $0.00 so pay up




On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on his
afternoon program on ABC radio.

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos(near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw
that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that
they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the
troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it
would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again
and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet
another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good
as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10
days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover
the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque
had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to
crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming
that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he
sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the
debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the
gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the
local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had
been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was
this:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show Cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for
consideration under Company Law.
[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March
to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their
client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

This story can also be viewed on the ABC website Who employs these idiots??

Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do, and
they BREED!!!

bern

MORNING FORUMITES,
Barry your been talking to the 6 yr old from next door, Havent you??
not much around this morning very quite , time for a

smile

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Those are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" The trooper angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies.

bern

MORNING FORUMITES
BBAARRYY good one,

What is a MOTHER??
It takes a Mother"s Love
to make a house a home
A place to be remembered,
no matter where we roam.

it takes a Mother"s Kindness
to forgive us when we err,
To sympathize in trouble
and bow her head in prayer.

And that is why in all this world
there could not be another
who could furfil God"s purpose
as completely as a MOTHER


Helen Steiner Rice

HAPPY MOTHER"S DAY

BERN

Here are a few one liners to make you smile;

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at maths.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Barry

Coo-ee where is everyone??
Thank God for Barry & Bern.
There must be lots of people like me who just log on without leaving a message.
If this is the case just write "Hi from ..." then it won't be quite so lonely :)

Pam

Hi,
Aunty Sal

When I was a kid and trying to sleep in, my parents would filing open the curtains to let the sun shine in and say:

Awake! for Morning in the Bowl of Night
Has flung the Stone that puts the Stars to Flight;

Only now, through the radio and the internet, I found the origin of this poem.

It is the start of The Rubáiyát by Omar Khayyám, who lived in what now is Iran from 1048 to 1131.
Edward FitzGerald translated it to English in about 1859.

The Rubáiyát is said to be one of the most popular poems in the English language. You haven’t heard of it? I hadn’t heard it for over 50 years until I recently heard it on the ABC.

SMILE

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So, why's the groom wearing black?"

Barry